Stop Checking for Him

This post is a bit of insight into the thought evolution of a woman that knows better…

Day 1 of “stop checking for him”
I can’t do this.
I’m weak.
I hope I don’t regret this
He’s probably thinking about me right now.
He’s just super busy
I think I heard him say over the phone to someone else that he was busy today
What if he’s trying to call and it’s not going through..
Let me call

Day 2 of “stop checking for him”
Why hasn’t he called?
He probably doesn’t even know I’m not checking for him
I guess he’s busy
Maybe he’s just not that into me…
he called!!!!
O M G
I’m so happy.
I knew he was thinking about me!
He said we would talk later.
I wonder if we will get to hang out..
I’m gonna cancel all my other plans just in case

Day 3

He didn’t call back.
Cancelled my plans for nothing
He hasn’t called today either.
Silence.
Stop staring at your phone!!!!!
Watch YouTube
Watch shows
Listen to music
Do some arts and crafts
Do work! — err no I hate work
What if he’s with someone else?
I have to stop canceling plans based on hope
He has to stop coming first
I have to re-rank my relationships
The day is over, It’s 2am, he’s not gonna call.
He doesn’t actually want me
I will not cry

Day 4

Still nothing
Oh wait! He just called!
He invited me over! Exciting!
Just got home. Cried all the way back
He wasn’t warm, he wasn’t interested.
I felt more welcomed by his family than by him
He didn’t really talk to me
The only time I heard him was when he asked “you good?” “You ok?”
If he didn’t want me there, why did he invite me?
I don’t wanna do this anymore
I shouldn’t feel this way
Why am I crying over this?
He doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to go
I can handle this
I know what i need to do

Day 5 of “stop checking for him”
He just called
I pretended everything was fine.
He believed me
Maybe everything is fine
Maybe this is our new reality
Maybe this is what it’s going to be like
Maybe I should start moving on
But I miss him.
I miss him so much it hurts

Day I don’t remember how many days it’s been…
Still miss him
Still nothing
Still don’t feel like a queen
Still don’t feel important
Still regretting not checking for him
Maybe I’m supposed to be the pursuer in all my relationships
Maybe I’m not supposed to ever feel like a “woman”
That’s so mainstream anyway
Maybe I should settle
Maybe I should try harder

What Do YOU Want in a Man?

Someone asked me this question few days ago and it’s been on my mind. Desperately on my mind. I’m going to describe him here and please!!!! this is MY preference, so if this gentleman is not for you, no problem. 

I want to be floored. 

I want to look at him and think: “where did you come from? How? who? when? WOW. You are so bloody smart.” 

Yes, smart turns me on. 

I want a man that can teach me with wisdom. Not tell me what to do but rather coach me. He knows when to push, when to stop. When to carry me, when to let me fall. And when I fall, knows not to say I told you so, but rather, I love you and it’ll be okay. 

I want a man that is solution oriented but knows when to just stop and console me.

I want a man I can look up to.

I want a man that loves and fears God. Not that church-goer type of fear but that intimate relationship with Jesus type. He calls Jesus his roll-dawg like I do and depends on him completely. He understands the struggle of being young and loving God and blends the two effortlessly. A man that can pastor me. 

I want a man with ambition. He’s gotta be about the hustle. He doesn’t have to have money right now but he has to have the potential to make it. Because I really really really like shoes. 

I want a man that isn’t afraid of my dreams. And notices when I’m not following them. We all get comfortable or discouraged and we stop pushing but I want a man that won’t let me stop. A man that wants me blow as much as I want to and won’t let me relax until I do.

I want a man that understands that I think deeply. And because I think deeply, I feel deeply. And because I feel deeply, I constantly have my guard up and pretend like I’m okay when I’m not. He must know how to navigate that. He must know that my brain connects series’ of events and is triggered by the “randomest” things and there’s no way he could even see the beginning or understand how. AND THAT IS OKAY. Because he will know how to love me OUT of my personal deep thoughts and INTO deep thoughts WITH him. 

I want a man that gets MY humor. Not a silly/funny guy, there are many. Not a man that says I take myself too seriously because I’m aware – thank you very much. I want the guy that gets my humor and can awaken it so that we are constantly laughing together. I find that being silly annoys me. And the random jokey/funny guy irritates me after a while. Understand my sarcasm. Dish it back. We will laugh forever. 

There you have it y’all. That’s what I have so far.

Overall though, thinking about this has raised two questions in my mind: what does this man I have outlined want in a woman? and how can I become her?