Read My Mind… Now.

My journey with self expression

My body is not your entitlement

Honestly, this living in Nigeria wahala get as e be. 
I read this morning about some high school boys chasing down and raping high school girls because they finished their final exams. ???????

I’ll insert pictures of the story at the end of this post but my heart broke. 

The topic of sexual assault is very touchy with me and honestly, I couldn’t breathe for a while. 

These boys saw the girls as objects, felt entitled to their bodies and decided to take.

They made it a sport to be watched and cheered for by passers by who stood, recording on their phones doing nothing to help these girls. 

Not only are they rapists, 

They are murderers- killing the spirits of young women 

They are thieves- stealing the potential, the happiness, the destiny of young women 

And these young girls will go on to be care takers of children at some point in their lives 

And some of them will rape and molest other children 

And the cycle will continue. 

How will these rapists/murderers/thieves be caught?

How many will be caught? 

What will happen if they are caught? 

We, as a society, will bury it. 

No consequences. 

This is what we teach the male child.
For these young girls, there is no hope. 

All they do is pray and hide. 
Fear of stigma 

Fear of confrontation 

Fear of man 

I often want to just run around yelling “MY BODY IS NOT YOUR ENTITLEMENT”

“I AM A PERSON TOO”

“I WAS NOT CREATED FOR YOUR PLEASURE, YOUR OWNERSHIP OR POSSESSION”

And when all the yelling gets me nothing in this society, I just want to beg: 

“DO NOT TAKE MY DIGNITY SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU CAN” please. 







There goes the boat…

Mahn.. this was written a year ago today. I was in a very very dark place and from time to time revisit but Im no longer resident there. This post might help someone though, so here goes nothing…

I missed the boat.My original idea, the reason I moved home, did not come to fruition under my watch and attempt. I got discouraged.

It was too capital intensive, I couldn’t find the skilled labor, bringing the machines was a feat, blah blah blah. Excuses.

They weren’t excuses when I quit though. They were reasons. At least to me. But guess what has happened. The country is now in dire need of the idea I had set out to create. And every Bola, Tope and Grace is now trying to implement. And I feel like I missed the boat.

By now I would’ve had the advantage. I would’ve been ahead. I would’ve been the go-to. I would’ve been solving the problem. I feel like I walked away from the opportunity of a lifetime.

They say you shouldn’t cry over spilt milk. Don’t think about the “should’ve, would’ve could’ve”. Look forward. Look up. But it’s hard. It’s hard because I keep imagining how different things could’ve Β been. And it feels like I’m drowning.

It’s a sorrowful time in my heart guys. And there’s no one to blame but me.

How do I pick up? How do I just get back in the game?

Stop Checking for Him

This post is a bit of insight into the thought evolution of a woman that knows better…

Day 1 of “stop checking for him”
I can’t do this.
I’m weak.
I hope I don’t regret this
He’s probably thinking about me right now.
He’s just super busy
I think I heard him say over the phone to someone else that he was busy today
What if he’s trying to call and it’s not going through..
Let me call

Day 2 of “stop checking for him”
Why hasn’t he called?
He probably doesn’t even know I’m not checking for him
I guess he’s busy
Maybe he’s just not that into me…
he called!!!!
O M G
I’m so happy.
I knew he was thinking about me!
He said we would talk later.
I wonder if we will get to hang out..
I’m gonna cancel all my other plans just in case

Day 3

He didn’t call back.
Cancelled my plans for nothing
He hasn’t called today either.
Silence.
Stop staring at your phone!!!!!
Watch YouTube
Watch shows
Listen to music
Do some arts and crafts
Do work! — err no I hate work
What if he’s with someone else?
I have to stop canceling plans based on hope
He has to stop coming first
I have to re-rank my relationships
The day is over, It’s 2am, he’s not gonna call.
He doesn’t actually want me
I will not cry

Day 4

Still nothing
Oh wait! He just called!
He invited me over! Exciting!
Just got home. Cried all the way back
He wasn’t warm, he wasn’t interested.
I felt more welcomed by his family than by him
He didn’t really talk to me
The only time I heard him was when he asked “you good?” “You ok?”
If he didn’t want me there, why did he invite me?
I don’t wanna do this anymore
I shouldn’t feel this way
Why am I crying over this?
He doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to go
I can handle this
I know what i need to do

Day 5 of “stop checking for him”
He just called
I pretended everything was fine.
He believed me
Maybe everything is fine
Maybe this is our new reality
Maybe this is what it’s going to be like
Maybe I should start moving on
But I miss him.
I miss him so much it hurts

Day I don’t remember how many days it’s been…
Still miss him
Still nothing
Still don’t feel like a queen
Still don’t feel important
Still regretting not checking for him
Maybe I’m supposed to be the pursuer in all my relationships
Maybe I’m not supposed to ever feel like a “woman”
That’s so mainstream anyway
Maybe I should settle
Maybe I should try harder

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