Stop Checking for Him

by onyinyechio

This post is a bit of insight into the thought evolution of a woman that knows better…

Day 1 of “stop checking for him”
I can’t do this.
I’m weak.
I hope I don’t regret this
He’s probably thinking about me right now.
He’s just super busy
I think I heard him say over the phone to someone else that he was busy today
What if he’s trying to call and it’s not going through..
Let me call

Day 2 of “stop checking for him”
Why hasn’t he called?
He probably doesn’t even know I’m not checking for him
I guess he’s busy
Maybe he’s just not that into me…
he called!!!!
O M G
I’m so happy.
I knew he was thinking about me!
He said we would talk later.
I wonder if we will get to hang out..
I’m gonna cancel all my other plans just in case

Day 3

He didn’t call back.
Cancelled my plans for nothing
He hasn’t called today either.
Silence.
Stop staring at your phone!!!!!
Watch YouTube
Watch shows
Listen to music
Do some arts and crafts
Do work! — err no I hate work
What if he’s with someone else?
I have to stop canceling plans based on hope
He has to stop coming first
I have to re-rank my relationships
The day is over, It’s 2am, he’s not gonna call.
He doesn’t actually want me
I will not cry

Day 4

Still nothing
Oh wait! He just called!
He invited me over! Exciting!
Just got home. Cried all the way back
He wasn’t warm, he wasn’t interested.
I felt more welcomed by his family than by him
He didn’t really talk to me
The only time I heard him was when he asked “you good?” “You ok?”
If he didn’t want me there, why did he invite me?
I don’t wanna do this anymore
I shouldn’t feel this way
Why am I crying over this?
He doesn’t want me but doesn’t want me to go
I can handle this
I know what i need to do

Day 5 of “stop checking for him”
He just called
I pretended everything was fine.
He believed me
Maybe everything is fine
Maybe this is our new reality
Maybe this is what it’s going to be like
Maybe I should start moving on
But I miss him.
I miss him so much it hurts

Day I don’t remember how many days it’s been…
Still miss him
Still nothing
Still don’t feel like a queen
Still don’t feel important
Still regretting not checking for him
Maybe I’m supposed to be the pursuer in all my relationships
Maybe I’m not supposed to ever feel like a “woman”
That’s so mainstream anyway
Maybe I should settle
Maybe I should try harder